Not a Quitter

Alright, I had quit writing...mostly because I am pretty sure I am the only one that reads this stupid blog and even I get tired of myself. However, I think I might give it a whirl again. Today I think I am going to start with some randoms in my life these days...

1. Did you hear the story about the guy in Ohio that let his 50+ exotic pets loose and then killed himself? I ask you why... 1. Did someone own 50+ exotic pets? 2. Did he let them all loose knowing they would be a threat to others? 3. Didn't the officials come up with ways to capture the animals that weren't necessary a threat instead of killing so many? 4. Aren't there better laws about exotic pets.

Can you imagine driving down the road and seeing warnings signs cautioning you about exotic animals on the loose??!? It's like a real live Jumanji in Ohio!! Thankfully Dad lived far enough away that he was never in danger, but still that is a little scary.

2. It's Halloween time!! I used to like to get dressed up as a kid, but it never quite held the same thrill to me as other holidays. However, as I have gotten older, Halloween in more of a sport to me now. As a child you just went with an angel, or witch or clown, etc. Nothing too original. Now as an adult, you strive for originality, beauty, humor, to out do one another. For the past 7 years, my boss has put on a Halloween tradition of a costume party and prizes. Each year I try to create a costume to out do myself over and over. I had only bested at 3rd place until last year... last year I WON!! I thought it was a funny costume, but everyone thought it was great. I went as....

... Flo!! Too funny. Although the pic is disgusting. So this year I am out to beat myself. I spent several hours and some dinero to make sure I have something good this year... I can't WAIT to see what everyone else comes up with.

3. I am thinking Open Enrollment might actually kill me this year. I know I say it every year, but I don't see how this one will not be the worst one yet. I could go into excruciating detail, but I won't. I will just leave it at the plans are not best laid.

4. October is a sad month for me. It's the anniversary of my grandfather's passing. Even after 4 years it still cuts like a knife to my heart. I miss him every day. But October is also breast cancer awareness and I am VERY aware that breast cancer is prevalent in my family. My grandmother is a survivor, but she still fights every day to stay on this side of her cancer. It's hard to watch such a horrible disease take a toll on family members.

5. I am struggling with depression...even though I hate admitting it. All the medications that I am currently taking don't really help. Actually I can see how they mess with my head. But, it's an end to a means. Sometimes you have to weigh your choices. Right now, the choice to not bleed to death outweighs my crazy head. It just irritates me that I can see the physical and mental changes to my mind and body and my reactions and relationships with the outside world. Still just trying to adjust I guess. At least as I read health forums I take some comfort that I am not the only one.

6. I am struggling greatly with finding true joy for others in their happiness. I am happy, I am. I swear, but there is a huge part of me that resents others because I can figure out why they get to have what they want, and I don't. I am struggling with the thought "deserve". Do they deserve it and I don't? What did they do different then me that I don't deserve it. I am holding on to an anger that my friend has a baby, a baby that she loves, but she didn't even want to necessary have. A baby that my body physical yearns for. I struggle watching others who jump from relationship to relationship, never feeling that dull loneliness of being alone all the time. The friends who not only jump from relationship to relationship, but the ones that have been married, divorced and are marrying again. Why do they get to do it again and I still get a chance to find my soul mate at all?? Like I said, I AM happy for them, I just struggle with my internal feelings about my own despair and not getting what I want.

7. And because I don't want to end on a depressing note... There is a father/son duo that work here at the office. The father is well known for saying wildly inappropriate things and the son pushes the envelope I would say. The other day I chose to wear a leopard print cardigan to the office. I was sitting at my computer engrossed in my project. I then hear a "purring" sound from my doorway. There stands the son literally purring at me. "Rowr, animal print...I like it...Can I touch it??" I instantly want to wretch, tear the sweater from my skin and burn it in an impressive bonfire in the middle of my office. However, I give him a sideways look and choose to ignore it. Gag.Me.

I guess I had more on my mind then I thought. I will try to be better about writing, but really it's only myself to be held accountable to...?