I have been avoiding thinking about it. For so many weeks I drove myself insane with worry. I created a monster within myself. I made myself sick and crazy.
Turns out it's not the end of the world, it's not major... it's not cancer. Which is what I was truly afraid of.
However, for me this is something that could be potentially life changing.
It started so long ago. It's been going on for most of 2011. (*Disclaimer** I am about to start speaking about feminine troubles so look away if you don't want to know.) I started the year off with a bang bleeding... bleeding so much I thought there was a crime scene in my pants!! I bled for weeks and then some more. I went to the doctor. No light at the end of the tunnel, but then the bleeding stopped for a while. And it was blissful.
Bliss can only last so long. Then the bleeding was back. Oh boy was is back. At this point I am starting to think it would be beneficial so start buying stock in Kotex because this is where all my money was going. I couldn't believe that I wasn't literally bleeding to death because it just wouldn't stop.
I start to wonder maybe it's my medicine that I am taking? Maybe it's stress? It certainly couldn't be something wrong with my body. I take a little trip over to see my doctor. She freaks out when she realizes this has been going on for 11 weeks straight this time. She then robs my body of what little blood is left.
The next morning at 8:07 I receive a call from the doctor personally, not the nurse to tell me that I am extremely anemic. Normal hemoglobin in women is 12. I was an 8. A 7 lands you in the hospital for blood transfusions! Can we just say I had some serious waterworks at this point. Now I am more scared then ever. The doctor informs me that I am to see a specialist, a specialist who works with women with uterine disorders. A specialist that I must seen within the next week, no matter what. Ok, I thought I was scared, now I am beyond consolable.
I meet with the specialist who examines me to the best of her ability given that the bleeding has still not stopped. She prescribes me some hormones to try to stop the bleeding and then proceeds to rob me of the last of my blood sources (from the same vein as a couple days prior btw!!) I am sure my body might now rival that of a cadaver. Yeesh!
I am then scheduled for a battery of tests and ultrasounds at the hospital. Hands down the WORST experience of my life. No joke. I ended up having a hysterical breakdown...literally with the nurse present. It was painful and terrifying and I would never wish that pain on anyone. I hobbled my way out to the car, called my mother and sobbed for a good 20 minutes over the phone until I was almost calm enough to drive myself home... where I proceeded to alternate the day between crying or not crying.
It took over a week before I got ANY results back and my mind was on over drive. I felt like crap, I was dying of pain and convinced I had cancer.
So like I said, not cancer. Instead diagnoses is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I guess this is fairly common, especially in women of child bearing age. As I started researching PCOS I started to realize that alot of things going on with my body now made sense...the thinning hair, the weight gain that I can't control, the mood disorders, the high blood pressure, etc. There is no cure for PCOS. It's not earth shattering. It does mean that I have to take hormones every month to balance out the hormone imbalances I have. It does mean I have to be very aware of my cycles. It does mean that my ovaries are not great....
...It does mean the very probable difficulty in becoming pregnant some day down the road. Let's just be honest. This was the root of the problem and the true fear in this whole thing for me. Anyone who knows me in real life or anyone who has ever read this blog knows that all I want out of life is to be a mother. To have babies. To be with child. The realization that this will be very difficult or impossible is a heart wrenching reality to have to come to terms with. This is not what I had in mind for my future. A future where I have to tell a potential mate that I may be broken, I may not be able to produce a child. A future where the only round belly I see when I look down is my big fat belly, not a pregnant belly. A future where I will never hold a child that is a part of me.
I understand that my dream of becoming a mother is not completely gone. I know there are other options. I know that it is still possible that I won't have any problems. I know all of these things. But I also know that it could all be true. That is what I have to accept and live with. It's a decision I would not make for myself, but it is possibly a decision someone else has made for me... someone who knows me better than me...someone who has other plans for my future than I do.
For now, I live with this information, the fear a constant companion until the day I know for sure if that fear is a reality. For now, I watch my friends have babies, love their babies and hold out hope that someone they will love my babies.
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