Leaving 2008 with a broken heart...

You can choose not to read, or you can choose to, but be aware that I am going to be HONEST about my feelings here! You know if this is directed to you, for you that it is not directed to, I apologize in advance.

Tonight was a very difficult conversation. Sadly. I said goodbye to a man...a man who widdled away at my very hardened heart and settled in. I know that he didn't exactly ask to be there, but he certainly didn't put up much of a fight either. I may...ok...I DID downplay with him how deeply I care for him, but only because to admit to him would have been scary to both he and I and it would have been admitting that I had "broken the rules". (I do need to clarify. I did not "break up" with him since we were not "together". My official response would be that I am not seeing anyone necessarily. There is someone that I converse with regularly that there is something more then just friendship there. It's very complicated, but very undefined. We pray on it regularly and we are keeping it in God's hands.)

You want to know what honks me off about the whole thing? I didn't even WANT to give us a chance in the first place nearly EIGHT Months ago!! I was the ONLY one that seemed resistant!!! He was the one who pushed...he and my best friend. Just go for it Steph...there's something there...don't deny it! Well guess what. I am the one walking away broken hearted not him! Every day I gave a little bit more of myself and everyday he continued to play me...used my heartstrings like a little puppet master. He continued to string me along with promises of prayers and answers...discusions...words that he knew would appease me...make me happy. So many times I told myself to stop it all. That it wasn't working. That I couldn't handle it. I KNEW the answer. I prayed on it. I did. I asked God to show me the answer. I kept throwing up little "scenarios" and "ultimatums" like if he does this or that then I know we should be together or if this does or doesn't happen then I know that is the sign that it's not meant to be. I kept kidding myself. I saw potential in this man that many cannot. I defended him when others turned their backs. I gave him chances over and over when less deserving people in my life got none. Here is a man that when I gloss of over my list of must haves/desires in a mate he was hitting them one after another. How did I become so blindsided by it all. Why is it that someone can make you so happy and miserable at the same time? When I was happy, I have never been so happy. I could FEEL it on my face, some said they SAW it on my face. I LOVED that!! I loved that people saw that I loved someone so much that it came out on my face. However, I spent a lot of time being angry with him, and this made me miserable. My friends couldn't understand why I would let myself continue to drag this on...I deserve better. For the last month I have been quick to agree. I could see it wasn't working anymore. The conversations weren't the same. He had shut me out...WHEN we were talking. The distance was killing me. He wasn't excited to see me upon his return to the states which I had been counting down every day since his departure. I knew it was coming. My friends had been laying into me to leave. I kept saying I knew, but easier said then done...can't help who the heart wants.

I realize now that there was more to it then that. First off, I HATE that I invested EIGHT months of myself into something for what? I am a results kind of person. I gave 110% to him and certainly did not get the same in return. Where did I go wrong with this? Second, here is someone that I have come to depend on for a great many things, but mostly my spiritual growth. What happens to that if I lose this relationship in my life? Lastly, but most importantly, I didn't know what to do because I was afraid. Afraid of what would happen. This was the same fear that was keeping me from making the leap into this to begin with. We were friends first, can we be friends now? However, the friendship that we share now has far surpassed anything I could have every imagined!! The most ironical thing of it all is that while I sit, possibly shedding a tear or two, I want nothing more to go to the first person I can think of when I need a shoulder to cry on, an honest perspective, a Godly response, a good Biblical reference to get me through...and that person is HIM!!!

I ache over the sorrow that I have that I have to let this go. I wanted so bad to make it work. I had very grand visions of a life of us together "doing it for Jesus" like we had once discussed. I wanted desperately to believe that since I had done it the right way for a change that God would bless us. However, I am at peace that there is finally an answer. That we mutually agreed that it was not working. That we both seem to agree that our friendship is something we both want to work hard to maintain and I think we both really mean it! I am glad that the uneasiness is answered now so I can begin 2009 anew and forge on with my "new life" as it may be.

Please pray that we sort through all this carefully and meticulously. That we are thoughtful in what we say to one another and how we interact with one another. Pray that we are able to keep our friendship intact. Pray that when he reads this he doesn't get angry but knows that it came from an emotional outpouring of my heart given that I didn't shed ONE tear during our "talk" tonight!! Pray that I receive the comfort that I need for my weary heart. And pray that my AMAZING friends continue to have the right words to comfort me in my times when I am down.

A Melancholy Christmas

Today we got the official trumpeting call from Grandma...they have discontinued treatments on my uncle's cancer. Bam. Merry Christmas! She wanted us all to be aware before we get there today and put our foots in our mouth. He is in good spirits today and asked where we all were and why the party hasn't started yet! So that does bring joy to my heart. However, while we all were pretty certain this would be our last holiday with him, it does pretty much drive the point home.

Christmas Eve is my FAVORITE night of the year. My family and I all gather at my grandparent's house for dinner, then we ALL go to church together for a beautiful candlelight service of wonderful traditional hymns. Then we all travel back to my grandparents where we gather around the family table and stay up late snacking, drinking, and playing games. This is the time that we get to catch up and laugh and just be merry. Sadly this year (the first year my brother's been married) he and his wife will not be joining us, but my uncle says he is feeling strong enough to come.

So my prayer is that you bloggy friends will join me and my family in prayer and thanksgiving that we are able to all be together this one last year. That my uncle has strength and good will to spend the next two days in fellowship with us. That we are all able to set aside our sadness and spend this time with him in pure joy and happiness and see past the shell of a man that used to be my uncle.

I pray that you all have a wonderfully blessed Christmas season with your families, full of traditions and merriment!

God Bless!

Hearts Desires

I was given a huge helping of embarrassment, with a side order of irony yesterday. I will share now, only because I unwillingly shared this with the person I most didn't want to share with already so the mortification level has already been surpassed.

I have mentioned that I am single. I may not have mentioned HOW single I am. I am the ONLY single left now. Everyone is at least in a relationship right now if not engaged, married, having babies, yada yada. While I truly am happy for them, I am tried of pretending that I am happy for them over my own unhappiness for me. I am tired of waiting for my turn for someone to want me, for someone to be in a relationship with me, for me to get to be married and have babies. I LONG for...no...I ACHE for that sense of intimacy that comes with the marriage, the undeniable bond that comes from holding your child. I'm tired of the third wheel feelings that I experience on a regular basis. The awkward glances that I see my couple friends exchange in their all-knowing "oh aren't we glad we're not there anymore" way. I just want to be moving in that direction.

Yesterday I was at a family gathering and of course I had already battled the great aunts and cousins and relatives of yesteryear for the "are you seeing anyone special", "it'll happen when you least expect it", when I embarked upon an enlightening conversation with my BABY brother and sister-in-law. They start mentioning that they are now in a hurry to start their family plans despite their before mentioned five year plan. I'm not really sure what came over me, but this combined with the fact I married off my best friend the day before, and the holidays, and hormones, who knows but before I knew it I had tears in my eyes! I would have probably been ok had they not called me out on it and then I couldn't make it stop. What is wrong with me?!?! I ended up leaving the room. Got myself under control. I was ok...until my long drive back to my apartment last night. On the drive home I really got to thinking about the whole thing and I had a huge emotional breakdown about it. Thought once again I was doing better....until I began talking to a boy.

This is where the irony would come in. He didn't realize what can of worms he was opening when he began to mention he still "had no clue about us" and that he had been reading about Paul being single. While normally I could talk this through, I was in NO frame of mind and began to have a GINORMOUS breakdown, complete with body shaking sobs and black tear stained face. I begged to curb the conversation at which he pleaded to know why, and sadly I confessed my above humiliation...ALL of it!

So I tell you all this because I sought out to find verses today to find solace. (Oh! And I called my bro and sis to apologize and tell them they have my blessing to go forth and multiple!) Here is what I came up with.

An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:34-35

God wants me to keep working on my devotion to grow in my faith and journey with him, strengthening the bond that we are working on achieving with one another. If I am too focused on an outside relationship, I will never put the focus necessary on him on HIM. Look how much effort I am putting into THINKING about my phantom husband! Once I have this devotion to God worked on....

Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. Matthew 6:8

I have no doubt God knows that I thrive when I am surrounded by others. If this is to mean a mate, then he will provide.

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18

If I am to be married, God has already chosen the man for me. The right and purposeful one for me. Who I am to rush God's mighty works? He has His plans, on His time table. This includes my future family.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

While I would LOVE to pretend like this verse screams that if I make the Lord happy I will get my hubby and babies, maybe even the hubby of my choosing, I know it doesn't work that way! Let me have my moment....smiling....ok...I'm done.

I truly realize that I have to devote my passions for this intimacy with man and baby and focus that intimacy with Christ. This is where my true happiness shall lie.

This is Izzie telling me I'm never alone. While I may question the love of some, I know that she will never falter in her love for me and NEVER will the Lord falter in HIS love for me.

Heart Warming

I was driving back to my home town tonight for the wedding extravaganza of the weekend. I was close to home when I came the railroad tracks that run across the highway. I notice that traffic was backed up and the lights were blinking. However traffic was still moving, just at a slow rate. As I move closer to the tracks I see the situation at hand. The arms had gotten stuck in the down position and no one could cross the track. On each side of the track a man had parked his car respectively and gotten out and was holding the arm in the air so that cars could pass through. Now mind you it's 30 degrees and we are currently under a wind advisory because of the whipping 50+ mph winds. God bless these two men who took the time to stand outside in the yucky weather on a Friday rush hour traffic hour to make sure that we could all get where we needed to be. I would have taken a picture of these gentleman but I figured the line of traffice might get irritated at me! Ha!

Save myself?

I have been struggling tremendously at work lately. There has been a great source of drama swirling about. I have been keeping most of it bottled up because I hate that I am constantly whining, but it has been a very unpleasant place to be. I am still awaiting my fate upon whether or not come mid January I will be employed or not, but I am trying not to freak out, but anyone who truly knows me, knows I am not one to deal well with the unknown!! Regardless, I am swimming in a sea of deadlines, a line of people banging at my office door demanding to be first in line to be taught this or that, to get their projects done first, etc. And on top of all of this, we are closing on year end! AAAHHH!!! So my fuse has been short on several occasions, but today I snapped a little. I had already been berated by an employee who had called for a THIRD week in a row for a totally non-ME related issue and then called a client who refused to help me and I had to jump through hoops to find my answer. I slipped and called her a very unchristian name. I know, BAD Stephie. So....one of my couriers called me out on it. I told him I wasn't feeling very Christian today and stormed off to my desk. I immediately felt like a jerk. I sat at my desk and began to think and pray. Then I came across my devotion.....

For it is by Grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

I am flailing, panicking. I can't be saved this way. Here is an analogy. Anyone who is a lifeguard knows that a lifeguard cannot save someone as long as they are trying to save themselves, they will simply pull you under too. Once the person drowning finally gives up and relaxes, then the lifeguard can swim out, put their arms around the person, and swim them back to shore.

Is is not the same way with Christ? I am flailing around, panicking, trying to do things on my own. I am trying to save my own life, trying to create my own paths, my own dreams, my own solutions. This verse is simply saying that God has given me the gift of Salvation, I do not have to DO anything for this gift, just have faith and believe it. God wants to save me from my hurt, habits and hang-ups. I have to relax, let go and let God! I needed this little reminder this morning. I hope that we all remember that the reason we are giving gifts this Christmas season is as a reminder of the greatest gift God gave us...the gift of His Son, Jesus Christ.

These things don't happen to normal people....

I know I have already posted today...but seriously I must share. Music Man once mentioned I should take the time to write the stories of my life because they can be quite ridiculous...although they can, I tend to think it's my flair for being a tad on the dramatic side when telling my stories. Regardless, let me tell you how my evening unfolded...

I needed to go to the store to pick up some random things. I drive over to Walmart and park my car. I start walking towards the door. As I approach the doors, I see a group of people come running towards me and they literally run into me and nearly knock me to the ground!! I give them the incredulous look like I know with all the room in the world around me you have a good excuse for nearly mauling me!?! when the guy screams at me with this totally crazy eyed expression on his face "Don't go in there!!! I wouldn't go in there if I was you!!!" and takes off running. That's when I look up and see the ENTIRE store of people come running towards the exit!!! Um...hello? I'm no genius, but I can see that this is not a good sign. That is when I hear them start screaming that there is a BOMB (I believe it was just a threat, not actual bomb) or so they say. I didn't stick around long after that to find out!!! So of course now an entire store full of people are running around like freaked out animals trying to get into their cars and drive away nearly killing one another. Somehow, I escape...fully intact...without my milk though.

I call my dad to tell him my news and after the hysterical laughter subsides 10 minutes later I get him going all over again...I tell him "Dad, seriously, I WOULD be that girl that dies in a Walmart bombing wouldn't I?" I am so unlucky! I wouldn't get to have any pride in my death. He says but you didn't die. Why didn't you stick around to see if the news showed up? I say are you kidding?!?! I couldn't be on the news!! Well why not? Well...I MIGHT be in my sweats...and pj top...and a scarf...and PURPLE furry boots, and no makeup because I just came from the tanning bed...seriously dad...no pride!!! Once again....hysterics...Does this happen to normal people?!?!?!

Then dad says "Steph I need to tell you something." Oh man. What now. One of you ex's is getting married. Fantastic! (Sidebar...EVERYONE I know is getting married. He knows I am at my wits end about being single...and seriously who wants to be the one watching the ex getting married, you know you want to beat them!) Which one I ask....of all of the ones for him to say....it was the ONE...my only love thus far...my high school/college boyfriend. Ouch. While we need not dwell, let's say this was an unhealthy relationship, mentally and physically. He became slightly scary towards the end alas our departure from one another. Several years later, we tried to be friends, at which I realized, upon walking into his home, and seeing pictures of us still displayed along with articles from our relationship like a shrine, still not healthy....did not maintain friendship. I digress, but important to rest of story. So dad says do you want to know who he is marrying. Now I'm concerned I might know her? Not so much. Ok, what's up. Her name is Stephanie. She has a BS in Business and she's a nurse. OH MY WORD!!! He's marrying ME!!!! Well obviously not me, but could be!! Seriously...does this happen to normal people?!?!

Then I tell dad, let me top it off. I say remember my ex Navy, the one I just went to lunch with a couple weeks ago when I was home? I tell him Navy called me on Tuesday to ask me out to lunch during the week because he would be working here in town, then on Friday he gets MARRIED!!!!! Are you kidding?!!? I guess that's why he didn't follow through on our lunch plans!! Does this happen to normal people?!?!

Mind you, this is just one hour of my day, these kinds of stories are always happening...maybe i should share more often?

Joy? Party of one?

So you might have noticed my extreme absence? Well this is due to a plethora of reasons. This is the time of year when there is something to be done every day/night of the week. But mostly let me be honest. I have had nothing but a heart full of negativity the last two weeks. I have been hardened by so many things taking place within my life. I have lost my joy. I have gotten bogged down in my self pity and wretchedness that I couldn't bring myself to sit here and find meaning in words, try to seek some message that I didn't care to hear. I have buried my head in the sand and tried to survive lately, and I could lie to you and pretend like things won't continue to be INSANE the next three weeks, but let's not pretend with one another. So why do I come to you today with this blatantly honest, and embarrassing baring of my inner workings? I want to share with you the kick in the face I received today.

Topic of today's sermon? "How do we find joy in this life?" Yikes. Man God! Can we just shine the spotlight a little brighter on my row in church? I felt myself shrinking down in my seat. Yes, Lord I have lost the joy, now what do I do to find it? Prepare my heart, mind and ears to hear you. So how do I find the joy?

• Realize it comes from outside through Christ.
• It begins with being found by Christ. Luke 15:3-7, the parable of Jesus leaving the 99 sheep to the one lost sheep.
• Enhanced by suffering and pain. "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too." Luke 2:35-35
• Sustained by remaining and focusing on Christ. "Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.'" Psalm 126:2

I can try as hard as I want to but I will never find my own joy in the "things" of life, the material. To find joy, I must find Christ. So with this said, here is why my joy is missing. The last two weeks have been spent focusing entirely too much on the things that are "failing" or "missing" in my life right now. Who cares? Do I not already have more then most, others? Yes? My joy comes from Christ, not these things. He will provide and I need to remember this. This is the root of my destruction. The suggestion was simple life, simple things. If we maintain a simple life with simple things then we don't get bogged down in the "missing" when maintain the simplicity of the small things. Take the time to give to others the things we do not need.

After I realize my joy comes through Christ, then I continue to receive it, remembering it and reaching out to Him. Here is where I have been the stubborn little child refusing to listen. I know this to be true, but still I have chosen to swim in my shark infested sea of denial, self doubt and self loathing. I should be reaching out to Christ and remembering that he takes great joy in finding Me His lost sheep.

We all know that we are enhanced by the suffering and pain that is inflicted upon our lives. While some go through pain in forms death, sickness, financial, employment, familial, and so much....we all encounter our pains and sufferings in some format. I choose not to express what my pains are at this time, but I have been struggling recently. I know there is a reason and a lesson. However, I have been letting the stresses of everything happening affect me in a very adverse manner and this has taken a very negative on the person that I am. Instead today I listened to Derek preach and I heard God speaking to me.

I will continue to remain focused on my relationship with God. I will gaze upon the Word and delve in with a renewed fervor to CHOOSE to find my joy with God! We ended church today with Aaron and the band singing Joy to the World in the most incredible rock and roll version I have ever heard. I left with the song on my heart, a smile on my face and a renewed mindset. I NEEDED today. Even now, I begin to cry again as I realize just how much I allowed myself to crumble beneath the insanity lately. With Christ I have joy. Praise the Lord for this!!

This whole message reminds me of a conversation that a had a while ago where I asked a friend how do you know when God is speaking to you, how do you know when you are hearing God. It's messages like today when I know that answer. Messages where I feel like Derek is looking directly at me and we are having a one on one conversation and he is saying, "Hey, Steph, God told me to tell you this."

Choose Joy.

I found my smile and my joy today, here's to keeping it around this week!!

Take Your Position

Do you ever have those days where you are not sure the reason but you sit there with the tears stinging the backs of your eyes, threatening to spill down your cheeks, and give you away. Then you fear someone will ask, "What's wrong?!?" The answer, sadly, is you have no idea! As soon as you go to answer the crack in your voice is the nail in your coffin of dignity. I am just so over it! I have a poor attitude and I know it! I wish I could at least blame it on hormones or have some kind of rationalization so I didn't seem like a freak, but alas a freak I must be! I'm sure I could tack my spiraling emotional turmoil to a compilation of events, but nothing so dramatic to cause the necessary levy under construction on my tear ducts!

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 28-31)

So I catch myself at that point in the day. The point of no return...ok...that's a tad dramatic! I do mean the point where I can choose to give in to the emotions of the moment...the despair...or I can choose to take the emotions and give it to God. Why do I let myself get in the way? Why do I fail God and myself and walk the wrong way...give in to Satan...the temptation? Just now, I was trying to say I wanted a reason for why I was feeling the way I was!! The reason is simply because I made the choice to give in to Satan stirring in my heart today.

Last night I had a friend come to me in need of help. While I did my best to comfort her, I felt that there was more I could do for her. In my devotions this morning, this was the verse.

“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem . Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:17

I felt this verse was screaming at me to share with her, along with the devotion. I forwarded the whole thing to her immediately. I got exactly the response I was hoping for. She heard the answers she was seeking poured out upon her heart instantly! How funny to me was it though that while this verse was stirring within me this morning, it was quickly pushed aside by the trials and tribulations of my day. It was just shortly ago that she responded to my email with the forward still attached. I felt drawn to reread the devotional. It was just the slap across the wrist I needed! I had fallen flat on my face today, I failed to stand still and watch the Lord's victory. I was discouraged. I needed this (not so) gentle reminder that the Lord is with me. Isn't it amazing that just when I was starting to swim in the midst of my self pity the Lord gave her the time to send me the email of thanks for my encouragement which in turn ended up being just the encouragement and reminder that I needed? Praise the Lord for the wondrous works! Even when I am failing, He is by my side. He is my shield, my Comforter, and my Protector. All I have to do is ask. I want to give so much of myself, my life, my everything to God, even the petty things, the little things. He has better solutions then anything I will ever come up with. I can create a path for myself, but God chooses my steps. This is what I must learn and focus on. Each day I start anew. I can take the lessons that I learn today and remember them for tomorrow. My hope and prayer is that there is strength and application in these lessons. God is working hard, testing me for many reasons. He is preparing me for a huge change in my life. If I can't find my faith in Him in these small battles in my life, He knows I won't trust in the wars of my heart in the future. He is working to lay the groundwork for a strong future of trust between us. One in which I quit questioning everything and just answer His call with a Yes Lord! Lord continue to break me into nothing, tear me down to nothing, may the tears spill before my face, let others know my weakness. If they know my weakness brings me forth in strength and fervor towards you let me wear my battle wounds like a proud scar.

The Christmas Shoes

Ok, so an interesting turn of events. I will have to shamefully admit that I voluntarily subjected myself to it...yes...I DVR'd it this weekend and then watched it tonight...The Christmas Shoes. For anyone unfamiliar with this story, this is a must read and/or watch! However, for the weepy folk, such as I, be prepared. While I knew that I would cry, I was not prepared for the rolling waves of sobs that racked my body tonight. I was completely overcome with emotion. Then at some point I realized that I was not merely overcome by emotions of the movie, but I was having a rather startling revelation. I was finding myself relating to a character, and it was NOT the character I wanted to be portraying in the movie. I found myself in Robert's shoes...the grouchy, work-aholic, who had lost his way. While I obviously am not a family man (or woman!), nor do I have a career that keeps me at the office all hours of the night, I could still see a symbolism for me. Life, lists, money, priorities....theses are all things that get in the way, myself! I countless times say to God that I want to hand my life over to Him, then every day I find myself making my "to do" lists. Guess where God falls on my "to do" list. I guess in my mind I don't have to write Him down, because it's implied...or is it? Not really. Frankly speaking, He should be number one and how many things on my lists shouldn't be on there in the first place? I have lost my way. I keep making steps to get closer to God, but as a sinner, I fall back down on my face again.

"I cry out Lord, I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before Him; before Him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me."

Psalm 142: 1-3

There are so many distractions for me. Some are big, some are small. Regardless, these distractions are keeping me from seeing the big picture before my eyes, the picture that involves me and God on a journey, hand in hand. I by no means expect some little boy to bump into me with his magic shoes and change my life, but I do thank and praise God that a silly emotional girl like me was able to see this movie and read so much more into it. I'm thankful for the reminder to let go of the the distractions in my life, and just hold on to God.